GERD Humor

One of our teens just got her first car. Her vanity plates read "HURLGIRL" - this is the nickname Paige's brother gave her.
If you lift your baby over your head - KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT. - Been there, done that, need the mouthwash.
A poem that Katie Anderson learned at Camp Point O'Pines: (To be used after burping) "Pardon me for being rude, it was not me it was my food. It got so lonely down below, it just popped up to say hello."
A friend has the grossest baby barf story. She was transporting a bridal shower cake in the back seat of her car and, you guessed it, her son threw up all over it. That story takes the cake! HA HA
Another poem. "Poof - Be gone! Your breath is too strong. Wait, come back. You need a TicTac. Not a Tic, not a Tac - the whole darn pack!"
Have you seen the ads for the new ‘Stop My Hiccups’ Dill Pickles Doll? When are they going to make a doll that throws up? (Don’t even mention Potty Dotty!)
Beth’s daughter, Katie, had hiccups at least several times a day when her reflux was acting up. Once she was making funny choking noises that seemed deliberate. When asked what she was doing, she responded, “I’m just checking to see if I have my hiccups.”

THE ADVANTAGES OF HAVING A REFLUX BABY
This comes straight from sister group, VISA, in New South Wales, Australia. We hope you find Robyn Cummins’ piece as amusing as we did.

You’ll have a wonderfully strong back - from carrying the baby around all day.
Save on expensive baby photos - the baby won’t stop crying long enough to have them taken.
If your baby spits up...You’ll have to replace all your clothes - a new wardrobe.
You’ll have to replace all your furnishings - new carpet, couch, etc. You’ll have to replace your washing machine - the old one blew up.
No need for home security devices - the place looks such a mess that burglars will think someone has beaten them to it.
When your child is a toddler, you will always know where he or she is - clinging to your leg.
No need for contraception (who are you again?).
New assertiveness skills - with four hours of sleep every night you become VERY assertive with repairmen, real estate agents and used car salesmen.

You know you're dealing with SEVERE acid reflux when…
By Jan Gambino

Friends, relatives and strangers tell you, “She looks so healthy.” She doesn’t look sick”. You just nod and smile.

The pediatrician says, “All babies” cry, vomit and wake up at night. But your baby is inconsolable for hours at a time, vomits 30+ times a day and does not sleep more than an hour at a time.

Your husband, friends, neighbors and grandparents refuse to be left alone with your high-need baby. Those who do come to help never return after one day at your house.

You have to buy a new car seat every few months because the old one reeks of vomit and special formula.

You struggle to stay awake while driving home from the food store at 2 o’clock in the afternoon. You are sure a policeman will pull you over for weaving and revoke your license on the spot.

You have not had a full night of sleep in (fill in the blank) years. You know the sleep deprivation studies are correct.

Your baby vomits so much she has ruined a chair and the new carpeting. You both run out of clean clothes by 10am each day.

You seek support/info on the internet. Most of the time, you don’t get a chance to log on until 11:30pm. Sometimes you hold the baby over your shoulder with one hand and hunt and peck with the other hand.

You finally get out to enjoy a leisurely lunch with the other reflux moms. Half way through the meal, you realize that the other patrons in the restaurant are listening in horror to your conversation containing graphic descriptions of body fluids-color, quantity, frequency, amount of blood, which end, etc. You think this is funny.

After caring for your inconsolable baby 24/7, you know why babies are shaken or worse by their parents.

Instead of joining the moms and tots playgroup or the PTA, you joined PAGER, Mothers of Asthmatics and the Food and Allergy Network.

You have taken multi-tasking to a new and dangerous level.

You and your child have watched far too many videos due to frequent, prolonged illnesses. You quote Disney movies at cocktail parties and hum the theme song while during laundry. You have watched Toy Story 68 times.

You always have a contingency plan.

Instead of reading, “What to Expect in the First Year”, your parent bookshelf contains: Physician Desk Reference, a good medical dictionary and the Merck Manual (physicians edition, not the home edition).

You keep meticulous records. You are sure your child’s food intake record contains clues for an effective weight loss plan. You plan to publish it, make a lot of money and appear on Oprah.

The baby book is full of cute mementoes-hospital bracelets, picture with Santa on Christmas morning in the children’s ward, discharge orders from surgery.

Your pediatric gastroenterologist carries your child’s records with him at all times. He tells you his vacation/leave plans before the front office staff.

Your child’s medical records at the pediatricians office is so large, it has to be divided into Part I and Part II by the time your child is 7 years old.

You’ve fired doctors, had heated debates with others and stood your ground when the doctor dismissed your concerns or tried to discharge you too early. You know the saying is true, when you have a sick kid, “Don’t mess with the mama lion.”

You are positively ecstatic when both the specialists can see your child on the same day at the children’s hospital an hour away. Imagine what you will do with all of that free time!

To visit grandma, Disneyworld or go camping for the weekend, you pack a large tote bag full of medicine, syringes, tubing, stethoscope, starter supply of antibiotics, AC adapter for the durable medical equipment, a case of Pediasure, a feeding pump and a nebulizer. You worry that you have left something vital behind.

The FAA issues a travel alert warning of delays when your family plans to travel by air due to the excess baggage and security screening involved.

You don’t have to “panic buy” before a snowstorm or hurricane. You learned a long time ago to be prepared for sudden illness, a trip to the hospital and being homebound for days or weeks at a time.

The drugstore pharmacist at the mega-food store knows you by name despite the fact that they fill thousands of prescriptions per month. You spend 125.00 for food and 50.00 for medication each week.

You pack an overnight bag before a sick visit to the pediatrician. Often, you need it and wish you had packed more chocolate bars.

Your little gerdling has 50+ doctor/clinic appointments and 75+ prescription refills per year.

An overnight stay at the hospital feels like a mini vacation after managing your child’s illness at home. Reality sets in when you are discharged and resume your 24 hour duties as pediatrician, nurse, gastroenterologist, nutritionist, pharmacist, respiratory therapist, social worker, case manager, housekeeper, laundry aide, video changer on top of your other household/family duties. You envy the nurses who get to go home after a 12 hour shift.

You know you will survive this because of your friends, family and organizations such as PAGER Association are there to support and guide you.

You and your child have developed a special bond. You wonder if you would cherish life and your child if her chronic condition hadn’t forced you to spend so much time together.

You wonder if you would have learned to live in the present and appreciate the little things if your child didn’t have a chronic illness. You didn’t think your life would be like this. You have no regrets and wouldn’t change one little thing.
By Jan Gambino
Associate Director
PAGER Assn

Check with your
doctor first!